I’ve dropped too many burning coals.

June 28, 2011

Hot cranberry juice, bed, internet, friend who I love. As opposed to friend who I don’t love? Or- friend who doesn’t love me.

If I had freckles on the bridge of my mental nose, I would have mentally rubbed them off by now.

I don’t know what to do about her. God, what do you think. God, I know there’s a whole book about what you think, thanks. I know you love her. Can I love her from a distance? From a very nice distance? Safely? I am so tired of being stabbed at and jabbed at and, and, torn down and taken apart and torn down again and hurting and still caring. God, why do I try to care about people who are nasty to me? Yesthatquestionwasrhetorical. I know the answers. I’ve gone over them every time this happens, every time this has happened for the past. Eight. Years.

Or just about. God, this is a long time to keep on trying to love someone stop with the pulling up of the seven times seven passage, would you. Oh be quiet, I know you love for centuries. You’re God. This is what you do. You are love. You don’t get tired and worn out and- do you get hurt? By us. I know you get angry. And jealous, but the good kind of I love you, you’re my wife and not his kind of jealous. Does that mean you get hurt?

God I can’t be you. I am so tired of being hurt and forgiving and being hurt and forgiving. She doesn’t care. (How do I know?) She just slashes and lashes out and is- impossible to get into, to understand, to reach (it has been eight years that is almost a third of my life) and I can’t- God, you tell me. Is there a place where I can step back? Shake dust off my sandals, whatever. Step away, lift my hands, let go. God, I don’t know how to let go of things, you know that. I don’t know how to let go of things that are bad for me, either. And I have withdrawn already but maybe I need to withdraw more, stop caring and oh God. What am I to do. What am I to do. This keeps coming up. And I am so tired.

God, to continue is like masochism. But oh, oh, you never stop loving. God, fuck, you are a terrible example.

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