night’s closing in.

July 24, 2011

The world’s much bigger than me and my concerns. Just remembered, while on Twitter, poring through the usual onslaught from the king and queen of goth/punk-cabaret, some Atwood, some Fry, some closer to home. And then, Norway. Oh.

The world re-opens again, like an onslaught of destiny and eyes that are bigger than mine, more eyes than my cold pair in a medium-sized room, tired, behind glass panels. Voice half-drowned in critique and sleep. Washed over and then opened out. Norway. More death. More politics, more hate, more senseless bloodying of streets. Oh. Oh.

And then, I am simply too tired to click the links that will lead to the story. Too tired to investigate. It is 11:47pm and I have been out all evening, living my own small track of a life in a blue dress that I thought looked good on me when I bought it. Red heels I love. The shine of my face in a camera’s flash. The small inanities of a life that must be lived and cared about, must be thought of. Life cannot be lived always in comparison to catastrophe. You cannot always live taking in only the big things. Small things matter too. Small things matter.

But too many people dead, and it is too heavy for me to look tonight. I am too tired. Perhaps, too selfish. Perhaps if I were more humanitarian, more kind, wider-eyed and readier to look at forests and not trees, I would be speeding through photos of destruction and hurting more.

I cannot. My world dwindles into small things, the inside of my head, my own inscape of stories. The hot water bottle at my side, my tired fraught strings of fears. Norway seems so far away. The other side of the internet. The far side of the world. And it is wet here and I have felt strange for a while, and I am afraid things are going secretly, subtly wrong in the overrun anarchy of my head. I have no eyes to spare for outside, one eye at a time on individuals, on bodies whose blast radius reach mine. Emotions that collide with mine, sympathies that need soothing, voices that need stroking. Friends who need help. But I am closing in now, and it is time to sleep, and Norway is- far, so far away.

Somewhere, distantly, people are crying.

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