a break in the light

April 12, 2012

I am very, very bad at writing straightforward posts. I tried. I tried just now. It dissolved into RORY, SHE’S HAVING AN EMOTION and  mentions of a crying Eugenides along with I’m a complicated space-time event, throw me in.  Apparently being cryptic is a hard habit to snap down its pretty spine. Pretty, witty wet spines.

Some part of me is being perversely cryptic on purpose because I am trying to write for other people’s eyes. I am Not Surprised.

I am trying, and trying very hard, to make this place somewhere I can talk to other people. A properly public sphere, if you will, as opposed to a blog on the best silver for strangers, where the sight of even one lurking commonplace makes the split head start screaming. That was awful. That was really awful. I should write cryptic crosswords for a living.

I am trying to make this a place I can share with people I know. People I actually have to live with. Or I was. I had the best of intentions. Now I don’t know if this is possible. I don’t think I’m structured for the frequent writing of straightforward blogposts for frank and cheerful discussions. I don’t think I can censor what I write while still being honest. I don’t think I can be honest with people I have to live with. Spare me some reservation. I still have an introvert somewhere in the pockets of my extrovert skirt.

How about I keep pretending to talk to myself with the full knowledge that you’re listening, and you pretend you’re eavesdropping with the full knowledge that I’m aware of your presence.

Just like before. Only this time, there’ll be more people, and I’ll be more afraid, and I don’t know why I keep pushing my boundaries of censorship, of what I thought I wasn’t going to say into what I’m going to say after all, and why the hell not. That was one of them, saying I’m afraid, and it’s on the automatic list of things I must be honest about, always. Maybe because I think these things should be known. Maybe because I think other people feel the same way, and maybe it’ll help them to know they’re not alone. Maybe I want to articulate for other people the things inside my head, in case some of them are the same inside theirs and it helps to see things articulated. Maybe because I believe words have power to define and shape and make out of the shapeless and amorphous and vague that is the inside of the human head. Or at least mine. Help. I don’t know. That’s what I used to think before I split my face up into two, public and private, and gave in.

Eavesdrop. I’ll write. Talk to me if you will, don’t if you won’t. Stop reading or not. Have a cup of tea. Cry. I’ll be here, wrestling with Janus.

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2 Responses to “a break in the light”

  1. TA Says:

    I’m going to leave the rest of this post for now (except, *internet hug*) to ask you if the Eugenides you mention is my Eugenides, the Thief?

    And now I will politely go back to eavesdropping and smiling and liking your thoughts.

    • marcherry Says:

      <3.

      yes. I finished the third book day before yesterday. Taking a break before the fourth.

      I really *really* like Eugenides. also MeganWhalenTurner.


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