he’s possibly using the wrong lens.

April 12, 2012

oh ouch.

reading back, trying to decide on posts to keep private or let back out again, trying to judge what is– is helpful

found this. December, 2010.

 

“Really, this is a question of should I blog or should I simply write my own things, in my own private world. Difficult. Exclusion or inclusion, to display or to hide. What am I hiding, what am I displaying? Myself. Me. God.

God and me, so that you- whoever you may be- might see. And by seeing, perhaps hope, or understand. Or take faith. Or condemn or castigate or dismiss or simply deem irrelevant. But I put my life, my thoughts on show that by seeing this, you might see God in me. As little as it shows, as flawed and delicately broken- as clumsy as it is- as entirely wretched, or inane, or mundane- that you may see God through his children.

For how else are you to see how God works, if it is not in the life of the ones who claim to know him? We are the stories. And we know God best through stories. That’s what history- is, to us, who make it out of our own spun selves. Silly words. Inadequate words. But hopeful, too.

Where are the lines between you and me, between telling too much and too little, between being a witness and baring everything to you in shameless self-feeding exhibitionism? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

But it is a God who loves me, always, always. Come and see.”

 

I believe the correct response to this is ouch. Particularly in keeping with the previous post. My ability to forget the existence of God in my life is stupendous and enormous and- and irrevocably, terribly human.

Sorry, God.

I sound incredibly idealistic in that quote. Perhaps I still am. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

But I can’t forget that all of this is about community. Honesty is about community, is about relationships, is about being open and willing to be open. That’s how relationships work. And God is- fixated, obsessed, God of, relationships.

… God. Back to God. Oh dear. I- really don’t like the comparison between then and now.

 

I don’t know just what you’re seeing through this one, this- little, bitter child, but whatever looking at me tells you of God-

I’m going to hope that he knows what he’s doing.

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