the auteur says whatever

April 13, 2012

I wrote and recorded a song about loss. a cryptic song about loss, because apparently I really like things to be behind layers of other things. and then I went to Hong Kong. In Hong Kong, I have a friend who’s started making music videos and she liked this song.

she sent me a private link to it today. I’m not sure what to think.

Part of the problem is that I’m a bit of an auteur. And I think I can do everything really well. Which I can. Mostly. Sort of. There are arguments in my head about this. But I’m entirely convinced of my capabilities when it comes to creativity. Mostly. To a certain extent.

I’m trying to say that I have a possibly unwarranted confidence in my own abilities to create, and create things that are good. An arrogance, if you were to look at it from one angle. Or perhaps just the confidence of someone who knows their own abilities. Which tends to be the angle I see it from. Which is basically a mulberry bush method of me saying I wish I had the equipment and the time to film a music video for myself, myselfI would do myself justice.

That is the problem. I would because I know what I want and I know best how to go about presenting it and I have images in my head and small snippets of colour and tone and movement and light and shadow and ways I think it should be. And it is my song, after all; I know what needs emphasising and what doesn’t. And by know I mean feel. I have the enormously myopic eyesight of the dictator-director, coupled with the enormously crippling second-guessing of the faceless nobody who has to exist in real life, wash dishes and get along with other people. On reflection, this is not unexpected. That’s my personality. The extrovert with the pocket introvert. Melancholic sanguine. Enormous and blind and boisterous enough to ride roughshod over everyone; terrified and rueful enough to try really hard not to step on the smallest unshod toe. It’s an uneasy middleground. That’s why personality tests always give me two contradictory results if I take them twice.

I like my friend. I like her style. There were many good things about the video. There were many things I wouldn’t have put in there too and things I disliked. And I wish I could have made it myself because I know exactly what I wanted to do with it. But there. She’s asked if I want to change anything and I’ve told her I do. I’ve given her a list. And I’ve told her that if she wants she can scrap it all and just leave it as it is. It’s her video, just as it was my song.

I’ve learnt to hold onto things as lightly as possible, and let go as soon as someone tugs. To care, but not that much. Or pretend I don’t, and eventually the pretense becomes reality. Not sure this is healthy, but whatever.

Whatever. It’s a good word. It means- whatever. Drop it. Move on, let go. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

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