was once green and golden

May 26, 2012

hurrying down a side-street this morning, grim and miserable and barely awake, my first thought wasn’t I don’t want to be alive anymore. it was I need to find a new job.

I was pleased. I like that non-existence is less of an option. I like that I feel like I have more control over my surroundings and my environment and the way my life goes. that my options are not just exist or not exist, like a terrible language.

to consider not-existing, you have to see that as the only thing you have any control over. it is a sort of defiance against overwhelming helplessness, overwhelming stuckness, the feeling of being dragged by the hair through time and events and having no control or choice at all in the matter. it is a last stand. the one rebellion we have left. I still have one choice. I can choose to exist or not exist. I can still fight and win, even if I destroy myself in the process. it is the ace I have had up my sleeve since I started.

it used to be an automatic reaction. I like that there are other choices now. less extreme conclusions. minor intervals of maybe I should leave my job and find a new one.

the idea of having agency in your own life. the idea of being self-sufficient. the idea of not being helpless and at the whim and mercy of life and other people and the brutal pace of never-stopping time. o as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means.

learned helplessness is a bitch to unlearn. but it unravels in time.

.

oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means
Time held me green and dying
though I sang in my chains like the sea. 

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