August 6, 2012

I’m reaching that stage where I need to slow down, fast. Overwhelming urge to hibernate is beginning to hit me, and I am so gorram antisocial at the moment it’s like a nervous tic. And my eating habits are strange. Gulping where I shouldn’t, drinking more water than usual, heading straight for things with intense flavour profiles; things high in fat, salt, msg. It’s like I’m burrowing down for winter. Today it was smoked salmon, eaten out of the tub with my fingers outside New World and finished at home with a fork; later, a pack of flavoured crackers, some cheese. A few days ago it was bacon, kranskies, more cheese, strong dips- things that taste, and taste strong. I found one cracker this afternoon that was a misfit, almost painted over with orange flavouring (barbeque-flavoured peckish-thins, FYI), and I stood in the kitchen with my cup of water licking it all off like a cat with a salt-intake deficiency.

Break to get more water. Wait, flatmate’s in the corridor, gotta wait until she leaves. Every time my flatmates have been home lately and I’ve had to go downstairs to get or do things, I’ve seriously considered sticking a big sign on my forehead that says Don’t Talk To Me as protection on my forays. I’ve already got signs up on my door; do I need to break out personal-use ones?

Okay. Back with water. A run-down: I’m eating weirdly, sleeping really late but not actually sleeping lots- a decent amount, s’pose- and beginning to burrow down into must stay at home in room mode. I don’t want to handle people; I get tired when I stay outside for a few hours, conversations are feeling oddly disjointed inside my head, but not unbearably. It feels like the inside of me is not straining, yet, but the possibility is there. Time’s operating alright; occasionally weirdly long, but mostly normal, which bodes well. Sentences are still forming without much difficulty, although I wonder if they’re as fluid as they could be, but my brain hasn’t dived into itself and hidden yet. That’s good. Oh, and my wardrobe is beginning to form itself into a mess on my floor again, not to mention other things I forget to pick up and sort. This usually means my brain doesn’t feel like it has space to handle these things. What conclusions am I to draw?

One thing I’ve learned and am still learning to do is to pay attention to changes like these, because these changes tell me more than anything where I’m heading and what’s going on inside my head. And if I pay attention to these things, I’m more likely to know why, and whether, and how to fix it. I’ve learned to track my habits in detail in order to stay safe and sane and functioning and decently happy. It’s pre-emptive prevention work, and sensible, and I approve highly of sensible.

(Am I to believe that one of the highest encomiums I can give someone is they’re sensible? Perhaps. It’s at least partially true.)

I’m not sure what is going on, but my guess is that it’s that I have too many things going on at the moment, too many schedules and dates and times and pencilled-in Need-To-Do-This things hovering in my head, and I haven’t written enough of them down. I need to write them down, and I need to back off before I overwhelm myself. It feels like I’ve made so many mental notes to myself that my head is awash on a sea of little yellow sticky bits of paper, all of them floating loosely about the inside of my skull (they go down twenty feet deep, watch the papercuts) with no filing system to speak of and all of them screaming NO DON’T BOOK ANYTHING ELSE IN YOU PROBABLY NEED TO DO SOMETHING THEN in terrified, horrified pre-emptive paranoia.

So. So. What’ve we got. Choir will back off with the pressure this Sunday, which is the concert. Until then I have rehearsal tomorrow evening (Ellen will pick me up, 6:35pm), and rehearsal this Saturday. When? Not sure. Figure that out. Must put posters up. Must get flyers from Katie I bet they didn’t even print the damn things- oh god- must ask. AGH, must type up the minutes of the AGM. ASAP. Must look at Agnus Dei and Confutatis and the beginnings of everything. Must tell parents what time it is. Must find father the battery charger for the vidcam. Should possibly figure out how to press a black polyester skirt. Should figure out, sometime before then, where I put my foundation and whattahell I’ma do with my hair.

50/90. need to do my part of Corpse 4. Preferably tomorrow. After work and before choir. Corpse 5 and the morph are coming up, pay attention. Need to have a look, when time permits (oh god when will time permit?) at what else I can do on War to change the pacing of the second and third verses. Need to figure out what I can do on the first instrumental version I was sent. All is decently quiet there; I’ve backed down on that a bit so it won’t be as much of a pressure. Thank God.

Jacob. Need to meet up with Jacob. Need to work on the murder mystery. Need to write a list of characters. We have a schedule, thank God, and- need to, at a closer time, arrange with Jason about the food- need to actually clear some brainspace and some time to Sit Down And Think About This Whole Gorram World-Building Thing, because otherwise I’ll be snatching distracted moments and that’s just terrible. Time. It’s of the essence, isn’t it? That’s the critical thing here. I want to abscond entirely from work for the next week, just to clear space in my brain and let things go. Augh. Time to rest inside my head would be wonderful, thanks.

Must return stockings to Kirks. Need to sort clothes, need to sort bookshelf, need to sort damn table of things downstairs. Need to skype Vic this week, need to let her know when. Need to meet up with Frith this week, need to let her know when. Need to go to YOUTH this week; that can’t be snuck out of, besides, I shouldn’t. Be responsible and all that. Crap, it’s this week, isn’t it? I think so. Augh. Okay. What else. Need to soundproof my room somewhat, mostly by hanging up cloths and blankets because I have little else in the way of- of anything, and that’s the best I can do in a rented house on a nearly non-existent budget and no time to speak of. AUGH need to BACKUP MY LAPTOP. SOON. IMMEDIATELY. Need to meet up with Charlotte, she’s in Newtown. Need to meet up with Mel, she’s- OH MY GOD, need to text DAWBIN. Oh my god why do I know so many people why do I owe so many people pieces of myself. What is this thing called friendship you speak of it sounds illogical and time-consuming oh god. Okay. Well. Oh, and I need to return those things to the library, when are the due dates? Soon. Very soon. Have I done my washing? Yes. Good. Okay. Work tomorrow. No second-work, that’s Tuesday. Good. Okay. Well.

When can I breathe.

Oh man, and then there are the birthday parties coming up (when? not sure when) and the brunch- does rehearsal conflict with-?- and why does everything take the time I don’t have?

I’m sure there are people in this world who handle things much better than I do.


Wheeeeeeee. I’m in control at the moment and there’s definitely a margin for error and breathing room, but I can tell I’m sacrificing some of my higher processing capabilities trying to juggle everything at once. Everything will be a little more haphazard, a little more dull, a little slower, like the significant conversation mental-lag, unless I focus all my concentration on it at once and that’s- hard when I’m trying to keep track of everything else. And then there are things like the ability to clean up and sort my wardrobe and my bookshelf and anything else requiring organisational skills; those things are completely jettisoned as unnecessary energy and resource expenditures, apparently, and not even within my purview in my power-saver operating plan. I simultaneously pity and envy the more high-powered, high-flying who have the extreme processing capabilities of gods and geniuses and can juggle fifty billion projects at once and not break a sweat. Us broken mortals hafta wade through heaps of clothes instead.

I need to get some sleep. Long week tomorrow.

3 Responses to “wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-”

  1. ❤ Woman – don't forget we're here for you as well as you being here for us – much as I would love to /actually/ see you, it's okay to see you when we see you, and in the meantime we can always pick up the phone (which doesn't require much planning or moving or going out of your way – wonderful things these landlines)!

  2. Peta-Maria Says:

    agree with Mel. also. One day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. My dad says ‘the main thing, is to make the main thing the main thing’ not sure if i quite nailed the punctuation, but you get it? What is the one thing you need to do this hour. Do that. and make sure you’re doing things that refresh nourish you. (haha, salmon with your fingers?). love you

  3. qwandor Says:

    Do less, perhaps?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: