August 22, 2012

my god I am stressed.

so sometimes I forget that I wear a two-headed monster. depression’s got such a bloody battering-ram for a head that I tend to spend most of my time watching for the blackout blows- and thus, I pay less attention to anxiety and its mouthful of tiny, tiny, very sharp teeth. after all, you can still function- to an extent- while being slowly nibbled to shreds. it’s much harder to do anything at all when you’re clubbed insensate.

I’m a lot better than I used to be on the depression front. on both fronts, actually. but anxiety still kicks in occasionally. this is one of those times. I’m working on a murder mystery game with someone and that’s the hardest part of it. A few days ago, he went off to be busy with other things, so- after double-triple-quadruple-checking that he wouldn’t argue with the things I’d made when he came back- I kicked in full-fledged and tore off on the plotting. it was glorious. it was so damn fun. I climbed onto my table in the afternoon and drew spiderweb character maps all over my window with whiteboard markers, drawing out cause and effect and who did what to who, trying to hold everything in my head at once, slowly getting the feeling of each character. it was wonderful. it’s the best part of creating, when you lose yourself pleasurably in making.

and then my co-conspirator came back from being busy and we had an all-too-brief, somewhat unsatisfactory chat on a google document about what we were doing next and who was doing what, and then communication started strangling itself again and I started stressing the hell out. we’ve been struggling with communication issues from the beginning- we’ve both made special efforts to try these few weeks, and some of it’s worked, and some of it hasn’t. and right now, due to a massive miscommunication, it feels like a shipwreck just happened. it’s a miniature Titanic. this is absolutely freaking ridiculous.

we’re both theatre students enough to pull through no matter what, I believe. show must go on etcetera, and we’re both committed to this. but my god this is worse than giving birth.


I should probably not be saying this here, considering quite a few of you are coming. but nonetheless, be somewhat reassured. I’m fairly certain we’ll work it out on the phone tonight; we’ve worked out every other misunderstanding we’ve run into- laboriously and with enormous amounts of clarification- thank God I’m not afraid of emotional honesty, because this whole thing has pretty much been a wringer- and we’re both reasonable people once we actually communicate. it’s just. it’s going to make a long, gritty, difficult day- longer. and more difficult.

I think it is time to bring the word out.



thank God I have the emotional energy to handle this now. last year would’ve meant a meltdown.

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