the in and the out

December 28, 2012

late-night blogging tends to be fraught with innumerable perils. the inability to make exact sentences, for example, or trace an idea properly to its clearest expression. or, uh, to put it clearer, saying something the clearest and best way it can be said. or the way it becomes really really hard to find stray words that you almost had, and the way it becomes really really easy to wander off-topic because you’re too tired to focus on what you were talking about anymore.

I like late-night blogging, though. late-night thinking-out-loud-with-my-fingers. it helps me unwind. puts thoughts into order, whether it’s visible or not. for an audience or not. tidies everything up for sleep to unpack again and rearrange, shake out, sort properly, throwing some things away and keeping others.

hard to concentrate on words, though, when you’re this tired.


I did some writing again, this afternoon, with some old friends. and it fit, easier than it did the time we tried before that, when I’d still felt awkward and out-of-place and left out and somewhat removed. this time I felt like we’d regained some of the old rhythm of it, the old ease. back into old and dearly familiar patterns. and allofasudden I missed it, and remembered it, and I was simultaneously glad and sad. Community. Interlinking friendships. That old sense of belonging to something, being an accepted part of something larger than just yourself, or even just two people. I was glad and sad that I had this community still, and that I was still a part of it, even though I wasn’t a part of it so much anymore. I miss being a part of something bigger than myself. I’ve been a part of so many things, over the years.

I’m putting this down so I remember. I’m not awake enough to think about this properly, but this needs to be put down or I’ll likely forget it.

wonder if we were born wanting to be in on things.

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