looking forwards.

January 12, 2013

here is someplace new, and I am so full of hope it is hard to breathe with it. breathless with fear that what I hope for is too newborn and fragile to exist, too delicate to hold without cracking. I am hoping and it is a terrifying thing. I let myself do it sometimes. I am hoping that it won’t kill me.

moving to a new city in a little over a month. more than just doing a new thing or finding something to pursue, this is me trying to be something new, to move and change and wake. to be alive. I am trying to find a way to live that won’t end in death. (all ways end in death.) No, I am trying to find a way to live that defies that, that breeds hope, fragile and dangerous and impossible as light. I am trying to live, do you see? I am trying to be alive again. I can’t sleep anymore, I can’t stay dead and dying and cold and turned inwards, escaping inwards, withering into the smallest thing I can curl up into in an attempt to disappear. trying to disappear. I’m not going to let myself disappear. this is why I am moving; blood in limbs, thought in head, waking from sleep like rising from the dead.

clinging to promises I don’t understand, hoping. it is the word for this year, I think. not confident about what I’m hoping for and certainly not assured about the things I cannot see- a worldful of dark and the only promise of light is a bewildering one, a terrifying, wonderful, all-consuming one- but I am wild with hope and it is something, do you see, it is something more than I have been for a long while. I am terrified, too, to climb out on such a limb, to be moving again on such an adventure- to trust in half-heard promises- but it is not an unpleasant kind of terror, and I am used to being terrified.


I want truth, do you understand? I want truth and I want to trust and I want to live the way I was made to, if this is the way I was made to live, and if this is the way to look then I will go. I believe truth must change everything, that it changes life irrevocably. I want to be destroyed and made new, to be reinvented and remade, inside and out and completely shaken out. To be wholehearted for once and passionate and alive. I want to burn for something, for once. To care about something. Which is terrifying because I have spent a very long time cultivating careful distances and learning to not get hurt. Learning not to trust because people are not trustworthy. But oh, everyone who has ever learned not to trust starves to do so still, and longs still to rest without fear, to trust truly. It is in us to want.

But I have learned to be cynical and critical and careful and I will be too; fanaticism scares me. Not being able to doubt scares me. I like being cynical and bitter and thoughtful and full of doubts; I think it keeps me balanced. I am well aware that I am capable of being gullible and naïve and wholly a fool. I am well aware that I am capable of being a boisterous, opinionated bigot; I was one as a child. I will not let myself get carried away; just because I want something does not indicate that what I want is right or true. I have learned carefulness for a reason. I will not hurt myself, or other people, unduly just because I want something to be true.


it’s one reason why I am studying this year. I’m hoping to make up my mind as to what I believe, to learn about the nature and character and trustworthiness of the God I’ve professed to serve all my life and still know too little about, still understand barely anything of. it’s not going to be wild charismaticevangelicalPentecostalSpirit-movingprophecy-and-tongues-laden revival-raves. or at least I hope not. I’m pretty sure I’d be extremely uncomfortable. which is to say I would prefer to be extremely uncomfortable, because the alternative is to begin to lose all perspective, and could very possibly end in me joining a cult or something. I would prefer to avoid this.

hope and caution. trying a measure of both. let’s see how this goes, shall we?


(let’s call this annus mirabilis-)


One Response to “looking forwards.”

  1. qwandor Says:

    I can identify with a lot of that.

    A revival-rave does sound like an amusing idea though.

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