collect for

March 5, 2013

Just remembering, slowly, how unhappy I’ve been. Back then, before. There’s stuff in my Facebook notes from before I began to use this blog and it’s- both a recollection of who I used to be and a memorial for it. Stuff from 2010, stuff from before that, and it hurts to read because I remember where I’ve come from and I remember what it was like to be that person, to be there.

2010 is a decent place to read from; my articulacy and language techniques were at a high point and the latter end of my cynicism cycles had just, just begun to settle in so the anguish there is less blurred by the language of naivete that crops up in the earlier years, and yet still holds that tension between hope and despair. And the despair that runs through everything hurts to read.

it’s pretty clear, reading back, that I had textbook depression.

I’ve been on and over the edge of tears all morning and my academic day hasn’t even begun yet, not really. Just remembering. And grieving, I guess.

It’s odd; the places I’m most inclined to crying are in the presence of other people, which is honestly the worst place to begin crying. But in the presence of other people is usually when I hear other people talk about God. which is usually what makes me cry.

 

so many old unresolved tired things. old, old things.

I really need to get to class, now.

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